Toilet Paper

To me, it feels like there are several levels of knowing a person. The most casual of my friends could tell you I love movies, am quite lazy, and listen to a lot of old music. People who know me a little bit better know where that stuff stems from, or that I really actually have a pretty damn diverse taste in music. Some know that my dream job would be writing for TV (Saturday Night Live specifically) or the movies. Some know that as much as I ramble on (pun totally intended) about Zeppelin or the Beach Boys, my true loves are Joni Mitchell, Counting Crows, the Ramones, and Queen. Those who know me best probably know faith plays a large part in my life, but I almost never discuss religion.

And then there are those who know my philosophy about toilet paper. If any of you know this and understand it, you probably know me about as well as anyone can, and you're the ones who really get me. I guess by posting about it, I'm blowing open the doors for many of you to truly understand the inner workings of my mind and heart, should you so desire.

Especially in college, now rooming with my best friend, and it being the dead of winter when I would do anything to avoid being outside (in nicer weather, the walk is my escape), finding alone time can be tricky. Thus the toilet becomes a sort of sanctuary. And why would I want to lessen that experience with College TP? College TP is like rubbing your ass with a cheese grater.



I'm sorry if that image was harsh, but it's the only evocative way to really describe my hatred for College TP.

And it's not just college, either. High School TP was the same way. I seriously considered running for class office Sophomore and Junior years, basing my entire platform on getting new TP. And you know what? I probably would have won. It's the one issue that truly unites us all, Republican or Democrat, Pro-Choice or Pro-Life, Jew or Gentile, Gay or Straight, attached or unattached earlobe, we all use TP.

I bought a roll for myself recently, and dare I say my life has improved as a result. There's a new spring to my step, women are noticing me, and I can look myself in the mirror every morning and say "it's gonna be a good day."

Thanks, Toilet Paper.



TOMORROW, which for many of you will be today, but hey it's not 4 AM in Boston yet (I should really explain that sometime for those of you who don't know my stance on readjusting the times of the day, never mind the overhauling of the seasons), but TOMORROW...Oscar nominations. Big post by me. Hurray. Tomorrow will also see some sort of clear, concise classification system for those of you who simply DO NOT GIVE A DAMN about my excessively-long posts about movies.

P.S. Blogger saying "This may take a few minutes, especially if you have a large blog" still sounds dirty to me and makes me laugh. I'm seriously like 12 years old.